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Black Mage Evilwizardington
31 October 2009 @ 12:52 pm
You kids today with your dimensional warping and your TPing and your costumes and your candy!

Get off my lawn.

Oh dear sweet numberless lords of Chaos I'm becoming him.

Black Mage Evilwizardington
11 October 2009 @ 01:18 pm
For the last time- No I will not tell you a joke. Just because you happen to be orphan demons doesn't mean you can get away with this kind of slander! Buzz off! Scram! Vaminos!

So completely not kidding here. If you try to squeak my nose one more time- OKAY THAT IS IT. I'm feeling nice today. I'm going to explain this one last time before I murder every last one of you adorable yet incredibly annoying little asswipes.







Say "balloon animals" one more time, kid.



Black Mage Evilwizardington
01 October 2009 @ 04:06 pm
[Black Mage can be found standing outside his room, uttering a single letter endlessly without pause for breath.

He appears to be broken.]

Black Mage Evilwizardington
17 September 2009 @ 04:20 pm
[It's just another day in Hell for Black Mage, until he steps outside to see half the castle grounds reduced to so much ash thanks to a certain young lady's temper tantrum.]

Did I, uh, sleep through something?
Black Mage Evilwizardington
27 August 2009 @ 08:40 pm

[It is an ordinary evening in Chateau Black Mage. Everybody's least favorite mage is treating himself to an evening of calm, peaceful television.]

World's Funniest Protagonist Deaths, huh? Now this is the kind of marketing I can get behind. Whoever made this show is my kind of man!

[All is well.

Until this commercial comes on.

For reasons he doesn't quite understand, Black Mage's eye twitches.]

Black Mage Evilwizardington
12 August 2009 @ 12:47 pm
It has been brought to my attention that a number of annoying Girl Scouts have been going around trying to get everyone they deem "evil", i.e. like half of us here, to do good deeds and nice things and all that other bull. I just have one thing to say to you twerps. Look around us. See all that, y'know, fire and lava and brimstone and such?

This isn't pre-school, is all I'm sayin'.

As a proud and dedicated member of Team Evil, I am not about to let this crap stand. I propose that the rest of us, except for Gig because I hate you, get together and have a good old-fashioned murder party. I can bring nachoes, ritual carving knives, and smocks to keep the blood from getting all over our clothes, but I'll need somebody else to get the six-packs. I'm not allowed to buy alcohol anymore, some bullshit about "bad enough sober" or something.

Black Mage Evilwizardington
15 July 2009 @ 12:50 am
It's like Christmas in... whatever month this is! January? I don't pay attention to these things. I'm young, handsome, oozing with magical power, and there's a bunch of demons running around just begging for an asskicking. This is awesome.

I wish these guys in the white coats would go away, though. For the last time, I'm not letting you jab me with anythsjkgbhgjtyjtukyjutieo5uyigugjhfgnfjk

[Black Mage has been knocked unconscious for a few hours. Upon awakening, other characters will notice that his body odor has, against all odds, somehow become even more potent.]
Black Mage Evilwizardington
25 June 2009 @ 12:14 am
So I think it's really awesome how every time I ever try to do anything ever, a bunch of little girls show up and kick my ass.

Seriously. It's great. Let's just keep doing this forever.


Black Mage Evilwizardington
16 June 2009 @ 12:00 pm
Netherworld City. Never in a thousand hells could you find more wretched a hive of scum and treachery. Backstabbing is the polite way of saying a hello; rape and arson are mundane incidents. This whole city is filled to the brim with monsters, perverts, and all-around ne'er-do-wells.

Frankly, it kinda pisses me off. I
hate competition.

Hi there. Name's Black Mage. I killed my whole family when I was two. I probably killed your whole family sometime since then. See, for me, death and murder are like sex and chocolate. I'm not really sure where I'm going with that metaphor, except to say that I really like all of them. Especially combined.

It was a cold night in the city. Which is weird, because I kind of thought we were living in a volcano or something. Whatever, not important. It was cold, okay? The back alleys of Netherworld City aren't a cozy place even under the best of circumstances, but the frosty stares I was getting from my compatriots didn't exactly make me feel welcome.

Their leader, a burly man with one of those gay sailor mustaches. "You do the job?"

"Who exactly do you think you're talking to?" I replied, having suddenly found my fingernails extremely fascinating. "Of course I finished the job. I'm not an amateur, in case you hadn't noticed."

"Whatever, man. You took out the witnesses, right?"

"But of course." My favorite part of any job. "Killed the wife, the kids, even the family dog."

"Nice work. Your cut is-"

"Wait, I'm not finished." Sometimes it's hard to remember all of the victims, so I usually write it down on the list I now pulled out. "Uh, let's see... Bellboy saw me coming out, killed him, there was a couple in one of the hallways, killed them, this old man- he didn't actually see me, but I pushed him out the window anyway, uh... pretty much everybody on Main Street, some pigeons, uh... I killed the taxi guy on the way down here, too. I think that's everybody."

I received a few stares.

"What? I'm thorough. Sue me."

"'Leave no witnesses' doesn't mean killing EVERYONE YOU SEE, numbnuts!" snarled Popeye the Gay Sailor. "That does it. Cap this 'tard, boys."

It took him a moment to realize "the boys" were currently lying on the floor, Stabby and Slashy having been formally introduced to their small intestines.

"I told you," I said, drawing Cutty from my sleeve. "I'm

[[Black Mage is The Perpetrator. If you have a case, chances are good he's the culprit. Have at him.]]
Black Mage Evilwizardington
05 June 2009 @ 11:30 pm
[Anyone walking around outside the castle may notice a certain black mage skipping and frolicking around, happily singing an improvised version of "Ding, Dong, The Witch Is Dead". In place of the word "dead", he uses "gone", while frequently exchanging "witch" for variations of "wizard",  "jackass", and "wizard jackass".

Also, because this is not just
any black mage, he is nuking and shanking several unfortunate high-level demon passerby in-between verses.]